i don't think i can take anymore of this...

i am hoping that through this blog post, i can finally find the courage and the ability to let him go...

i know i can't...

not yet...

Do you remember the first time uu let me eat ben's and jerry ice cream...

uu fed me while we watched a dvd...

cuddled up on the sofa next to uu...

remember the night uu promised me uu won't ever let me drop another tear...

remember the the first night i cried...

how uu held me so tightly...

remember the days when uu lived with me...

how we both felt as if we were husband and wife..

remember the time uu gave me my birthday present?

so many boxes to open...

and finally a necklace...

uu helped me wear it on...

uu said i hope uu like it...

truth be told...

i loved it...

remember the night we went to bugis and uu brought me to a cafe to eat?

to me...

it felt as if that little cafe was a first class restaurant...

remember on the way back to my home...

uu fell asleep on the mrt?

how uu lied on my shoulder...

remember those nights where i lay next to uu and we fell asleep listening to each other's breathing....

knowing we both love each other with all our hearts...

remember that night uu slipped the ring into my finger...

told me to marry uu?

i remember every little details about uu...

that crooked teeth at the side...

that smile that light up my whole life...

the smell of your hair...

how we would sit on the sofa...ii beside uu...

while uu played patapon...

how we would play computer games till late at night and uu would always get hungry...

how ii would cook for uu...

remember that night uu let me hear wedding dress...and ask me if that would happen to us....

remember that night when uu fell sick...

i was so damned worried...

ii made milo for uu...cook for uu...

and uu told me uu were sorry for making me so worried yet uu felt so happy that anyone would ever care for uu this way...

truth be told...

i won't ever forget uu...

ii won't forget the way uu sat at the railings...

waiting for me to finish school...

won't forget the first picture we took together..

won't forget going out with uu...

the day we made our rings...

remember the day when i knew there was something wrong...

how it pained me everyday...

knowing that we would one day be separated...

yet i still held on....

uu might have moved on..

but i m still stuck here...

that day when uu told me uu were so happy i cared....

i had already promised uu that i would never let uu go...

i will stay there silently...

always be there when uu ever want me back...

be there to care to love to hear your problems..

to give uu the love uu deserve...

uu keep telling me uu don't deserve it...

truth is i m not suited for uu...

i can't understand uu properly..

but i m willing to spend the rest of my life learning to care...

sacrifice everything for uu...

i pretend i m happy when i m at school...

i pretend i m happy when i m at home...

i keep a smile on my face...

i conceal my emotions so well...

everybody thinks it is ok for me to let him go...

you guys dunno the pain ii m going through...

the whole day i felt like shedding tears...

i know i cant...

if i do...

i wont stop crying...

typing this hurts me...

when i broke with him i act happy...

i pretend everything is ok...

like i expected it...

it felt like a slap to my face...

everyday without him a dagger to my heart...

its not cause i m emo or whatever fuck shit...

i m just unhappy...

i want him back so badly...

yet i know he is gone forever...

he wont even talk to me anymore...

whenever uu guys mention him...

i pretend i m happy...

reminiscing about him...

and whn i feel so sad...

i will change the subject so suddenly..

uu guys don't notice it don't uu?

ii will talk about food and put a smile on my face yet the sadness in my heart is threatening to burst out...

ii will pretend everything is ok...

truth is...

i cry myself to sleep every night...

i thought i would run out of tears eventually...

but the tears keep falling...

i wished he put me out of this misery...

i wished i had the courage to kill myself...

i wished i had the strength to break my own neck...to kill myself with my own hands...

i wished he had the anger to kill me....

kill me when he told me we could be friends instead of stead...

it hurts so badly...

please repair my heart...

i can't take it anymore....

i really want to give up....

more than anything else....

i just want to sleep forever...

those days are gone now....just memories of a love...

of a paradise...of a heaven...

that lasted for three months of my life...

i was only alive for three months...

i admit....

with him...

it felt like i could breathe...

we could overcome every single damn obstacle in front of us...

he make me smile with the most sincere smile i have ever given in my whole life...

gave me three months of bliss...

the happiest three months of my life...

nothing can compare to those three months...

somebody please get him back for me....

i want him back so damn bloody much...